If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

When shit gets real you need to talk about it!

"You were going to name me what?"

“You were going to name me what?”

Baby names. A phenomenon I will never understand. For some reason picking the name of your child is one the most difficult decisions you will need to make in your adult life. It’s the one decision that is completely under your control and (unless you are the artist formerly known as Prince) once it’s chosen there’s no turning back. My husband and I agree on pretty much everything. Apples are apples and oranges are oranges, but when a couple starts the process of deciding the name they will give their child, their differences will soon unveil.

You start as a team. A motivated and cohesive unit both working towards the same goal. This will be easy, let’s name our child after a great-aunt or uncle! You begin the process by filtering through family names, looking for something you haven’t heard in a while that maybe you can revive based on your history. After days of research you are quickly discouraged when you realize that there were a lot of strange names in your family and since there are already 8 Johns, 10 Williams, 14 Kates and 20 Mikes you move on to other name inspiration avenues.

We found out we were having a girl and this was great because now we could hyper focus on one gender right? I think in general men tend to like the names of women that are symbolic of today’s standards of beauty, women they find attractive ranging from celebrities to…(insert screeching halt noise)… porn stars? Yes, that’s right. My husband gets an A for creative effort on the porn star name list but needless to say, my husband’s list of names for our daughter was a little different from my own.

We battled it out daily. I’m talking hundreds of names crossed off each of our lists. The problem is, you come so close to deciding on a name but then you must put it through one very important test. A calculation of all possible variables to make absolutely certain it cannot be turned into an embarrassing nickname. Kids are extremely clever, so we’d brain storm together ruling out even the slightest possibility that you are able to rhyme the name with any bodily function or dirty words. If we could do it, it immediately got the axe. Just when you think you find the perfect name, your husband will know someone who used to pick their nose. You start to realize how much you associate names with the people you’ve known since your childhood and since you would never name your beautiful cherub after someone who harvests nose crops, 50 more names came off our lists.

People have different preferences as to the way they go about naming their babies. When we finally made a decision, we chose something gender neutral and we decided to share it publicly before she arrived. For some people though, the name of their child remains top-secret. I understand it completely. Sharing the name of your baby can be a no-no for many reasons, but here are what I believe the top two reasons to be…

1) Public opinion sucks. You’ve both worked very hard deciding on the perfect name for your bundle of joy. The last thing you want to hear is “Oh, that’s…different”. The general public’s taste in baby names will always be very different from your own. Word to the wise, don’t ever tell a pregnant woman you do not like what they are naming their child unless you’d welcome a roundhouse kick to the face. It’s their decision to make not yours, so in the nicest way possible, back off peeps. Remember, if you can’t say something nice…

2) Someone might steal it. Gasp! Yes it happens, you announce your name and it inspires a baby name trend. Or maybe you were just never aware of how many people had your baby’s name until after you decided it? Is it annoying? Heck yes, but in reality no name is uniquely your kid’s so relax. Who cares if someone has the same name as you? Something inspired you to pick that name too didn’t it? These days even the children named Optimus Prime and Megatron are no longer unique. Unless you were sold on Lucifer or Hitler, I think there is a pretty big chance there will be others with the same or similar names as you, and you shouldn’t stress too much about it.

So what made you choose your kids names? Did you tell people publicly or were you sworn to secrecy until they arrived? I’d love to hear your own reasons why!


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8 thoughts on “We’re Naming a Baby, Not a World Class Stripper…

  1. runumutha says:

    Come on, you didn’t have baby names picked out you loved since you were like 13?? hahaha 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Even if I did my husband would have veto’d them! 😉 haha


  2. Lisa says:

    I just stumbled upon your blog from FB and your post is so relatable! My husband and I went through names for months — he kept coming up with rhymes and dirty nicknames that I never even knew existed, let alone worried about. We chose a classic name for our daughter but still kept it a secret for fear that we’d hear of some terrible person that exists in the world with that same name. I’ll never forget the night we decided on the name Julia, my husband loved it as much as I did but he was afraid that if he went along with it that somehow I would win this “game”. I have tremendous appreciation for anyone who waits to find out the sex and has to come up with a name for each gender.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hahaha! See?!? I am so glad to hear that we were not the ONLY couple in the world who were making up ridiculous rhymes on our Sunday nights together! 🙂


  3. My husband and I made a deal. I had my son’s name picked out since high school, but I let him pick his middle name. Then when we had our daughter, we did the opposite 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like that deal…especially if you have 2 kids. You get this one I get that one! I feel like I might be the only woman in the universe who did not have a name I was dead set on before ever becoming pregnant. 🙂


  4. Amanda S. says:

    Name picking wasn’t all that difficult… My whole life, well since I knew my mom’s and amma’s (maternal gma) full names were I knew what my daughter’s middle name would be.


    I suppose my amma kicked it all off by having the first name of Mary Jane
    She picked Tammy as a first name and Jane as a middle name.
    My papa named his pug Peggy Jane
    My mom named her first horse Lady Jane
    I suppose it was only right for her to choose her daughter’s name while following this trend.
    My mom picked Amanda as my first name and Jane as my middle name.
    (At this point, we seem to be losing creative scope in my family.)
    But because of the history of the middle name Jane in my mom’s side of the family I was ecstatic when I found out I was having a girl.

    I picked Charlotte as a first name and Jane as a middle name
    Charlotte was my ‘sperm donor’s’ mother’s middle name who passed away before I ever met my ‘sperm donor’
    Said ‘sperm donor’ wanted to use his mother’s first name of Bonita
    But I am too fucking white to have a child named Bonita Salinas…. (that and her initials would have been BJS)

    I hope you enjoyed

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love it! Thanks for sharing your story! I think it’s cool when families have a theme with the naming of everyone. It would have made it much easier for me that’s for sure! Your daughter will thank you that her initials are not “BJ” someday! 🙂


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