If you didn’t have a caffeine addiction before kids, you will most definitely develop one after. I swear to god my daughter is the direct product of my caffeine addiction. It’s as though all the remnants of every caffeinated drink I ever consumed in my lifetime formed a coalition inside by body and hijacked my husbands sperm during conception. The result? A supercharged hyperactive coffee bean with limbs delivered straight from my very own birth canal. Just as a parasite takes over its host, I am now required to increase my caffeine consumption in order to tolerate this mutant bundle of nonstop energy. I am convinced that children are receiving some sort of profit from caffeine sales.
If there is one thing we as parents can agree on, I think it might be that caffeine is an unfortunate necessity to make it through any day without derailing. If you are a parent who does not require caffeine then I’ll take whatever it is that you are having. I’ve always needed caffeine to function, but it seems since having my daughter my addiction has increased ten thousand percent. I don’t know if there is any solid research to prove my theory of caffeine requirement post baby being greater than caffeine requirement pre-baby. But lately it just feels like I do need an actual ten thousand cups of coffee to do what one cup used to do just fine.
Working full-time and having a child is like pulling a double every day. It doesn’t matter if you are a male or a female. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed there’s no time to stop or slow down. Every second of the day must be used effectively and there is no time to waste dragging ass. Since the pace at my work is either fast or faster, I really wish someone would just invent an automatic caffeine drip that gives a nonstop controlled flow straight to your blood stream because I’d be all over it. My husband and my colleagues would also thank you.
I find coffee to be delicious and it is absolutely best served with both cream and sugar. I am a woman, so naturally as my caffeine intake increased to ten thousand cups of coffee per day, my waistline joined the bandwagon. Men have no clue the kind of battle that can go on in a woman’s head over something as simple as ordering a stupid coffee. The conversation I have with myself every morning goes something like this:
“Medium regular iced coffee. No wait, actually…I ate pizza last night and I feel like a cow so maybe I’ll just cut out the sugar. Better yet, Splenda sounds lovely. Yeah, medium iced coffee with cream & Splenda! Wait…don’t artificial sweeteners cause cancer? Ok, hold the cancer and I’ll just get a medium iced coffee with cream only. God, I really shouldn’t be drinking my calories if I want to justify my fatty lunch today. Scratch that, skim milk it is. Risk reduction folks! Skim milk tastes like shit in your coffee so I might as well forego all taste completely and go straight to the source. Eff it I’m just getting a black coffee”.
My choice to drink black coffee was questioned by the young lad at the drive through this morning. His youthful glow at 6:00 a.m. deserved a slap (but that opinion was simply due to my lack of caffeine). He announces my coffee and then stopped mid sentence. He looked at me, looked down at the coffee with hesitation. He was thinking they messed up my order. What’s the issue kid? Do I need to grow balls before it makes sense that I am consciously choosing to drink a black coffee? Do you see the bags under my eyes? I’ve been up since 5:00 a.m. with a cranky kid who’s been yelling at me this entire car ride because she decided she hates my glasses all of a sudden. So please, hand it over and no one gets hurt. He passes the goods through the window and says “Do you really drink that black?”.
It’s nice to know I don’t look like the type of person who enjoys drinking swamp in a cup. Seriously, I wish I had some cool reason for drinking black coffee to make him think I was super hardcore. You know, like “My soul is dark and mysterious so my coffee should be too”. But no, my addiction has brought me to a new low and instead of just cutting out the coffee completely, I will drink it black and disgusting because I don’t want to gain weight.
If you happen to catch me on a morning with no caffeine then maybe, just maybe I will prove to be the beast that you’d most definitely expect to be drinking a black coffee.
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