My baby monitor alerts me at the most random times. It gave me the “movement detected” shout out while I was at work the other day. Although I realize it is a quirky technology that is highly sensitive to any movement (even shifts in the lighting), it reminded me how creepy it can be to have one in the house.
Do you often find yourself staring at the screen of your baby monitor? You know, just analyzing the dust particles like a scientist in a ghost lab? The static of the radio engages you in some strange hypnotic trance, making you pay close enough attention so as not to miss any disruptive EMF patterns. You listen intently, watching, waiting. Jesus you’re good at this. You should be a real life ghost hunter. But as you stare at that screen, the sensible voice in your head suddenly snaps you back to reality. Oh dear christ please don’t see anything!
I mean, do you really want validation that there is such a thing as paranormal activity? Or better yet, that Great Gram comes to visit your baby while you sleep?
Oh, hell no.
Since we all know baby monitors provide the ideal spiritual haunting outlet, I decided to stop staring at mine. I sleep better at night when I don’t entertain the idea of a spiritual attachment to my kid.
Monitors aren’t the only thing creeping me out these days thanks to every horror movie ever created involving creepy children, creepy dolls, radio frequency, and/or aliens. Children and their toys have an innate ability to scare the living shit out of you with little to no effort. In fact the less they do, the more creepy they are.
For example, you are rocking your baby to sleep at night. You are exhausted because you’re on night number seventy of sleeplessness. All is quiet when your baby’s attention is suddenly shifted to a corner of the room. They stare with the type of gaze that can’t be broken. You look over your shoulder and see nothing. In that moment what you are really thinking is…”now is not the time to materialize grandma”.
Yes, you may be slightly delusional from the lack of sleep, but you’ll be damned if anything (even a ghost) stops that baby from falling asleep.
Moving on to the baby dolls. I reserve the right to label all the baby dolls terrorists in our home. It would be one thing if they remained pristine and cute but let’s face it, we’ve all seen the carnage. Even the prettiest baby doll surrendered to the hands of a child ends up looking more like a naked mad scientist after an exorcism with contorted limbs.
Dolls are in every room of the house, on the floor, on the shelves, on the bed. They may be mute but they somehow still speak to you with those beady little eyes, never taking them off you. What is more disturbing than a mute baby doll? One whose mechanical features are losing battery power. Then, not only will it look like and exorcism was performed, but it will also provide you with the sound track to the exorcism. You can try to hide them in the closet all you want, but those creepy dolls will still giggle at you through the door.
I realize I may sound like a paranoid schizophrenic here, but I dare you…go ahead and have a kid of your own. You’ll see how creepy your world becomes 😉