If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

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#I Can't Even

I Just Can’t Even…

If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

According to the trusted Urban Dictionary (my go to resource for swiftly bringing me up to speed when I’m teetering uncool language territory), the phrase “I can’t even” is socially accepted as a stand alone sentence.
If looking to add a bit of drama to that sentence, one might say they literally can’t even.

I think if we were to do some sort of analysis to figure out what causes this mysterious inability to “even”, we would quickly discover that it is best described as the sort of chemical reaction that occurs in the brain when experiencing an epic emotion. So epic it leaves you stupid. So stupid you literally can’t even finish your sentence.

This sounds very similar to what happens to your brain when you’ve become a mom. Your verbal skills are most certainly the first to go and sentences won’t be the only thing you can’t even finish. Horrible grammar aside, you know you’ve elevated to mom status when you need to consult the Urban Dictionary to understand a conversation with anyone under the age of 20.

In real life there are real things that you really just can’t even, no matter how you dice it.

Let me break it down for you quite simply in a completely disorganized list of real life restrictions brought on by parenthood. You know, things that I literally just can’t even…

1) I can’t even shout profanities and am forced to internalize road rage.
Nothing feels good about calling an asshole a doo doo head. It’s apples and oranges, and it doesn’t quite get the point across as effectively as shouting at the deserving dipshit. I wasn’t raised in a barn but I do enjoy some four letter word therapy every now and again. Little ears keep my vocabulary in check.

2) I can’t even listen to some of my favorite music stations in my own car.
No, Mr. Zach De La Rocha, my daughter just can’t understand how you could just kill a man. She’s not ready for my back in the day buffet and I’m not ready to explain what all my favorite acronyms stand for. Lyrics of some of your favorite songs suddenly horrify you and you have a new understanding of why your own parents listened to stations like the Blend (aka: Boring Lyrics Everyone, No Dancing). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a broad spectrum of music. Although some of it includes calm and comforting tunes, sometimes you’re in the mood to crank up Pitbull’s latest anthem and you just…can’t…even.

3) I can’t even chew my food or sit down to eat a meal for longer than 3 minute intervals.
I’m certain that when I die it will be from choking on the un-chewed food I inhaled and we will all have a laugh at the fact that my obituary says, “she couldn’t swallow”.

4) I can’t even leave the house on time…ever.
It’s Murphy’s law at it’s finest. If something can go wrong, it will, and it usually involves a diaper change just after I’ve walked out the door.

5) I can’t even remember the last time I watched an adult television series start to finish.
This is a luxury of the past. A glorious past loaded with free time that could be wasted in front of a television set, guilt free.

6) I can’t even read the news without having a full-blown anxiety attack about all the horrible things that have a fraction of a percent chance of ever really happening. Did I mention how motherhood automatically opens the floodgates to all sorts of anxiety disorders including hypochondria, excessive worry, insomnia and paranoia? (to name a few).

7) I can’t even remember how bad labor was. This puts me at risk for another one. I think I’m suffering from yet another type of disorder called dementia…send help.

8) I can’t even stay up past 9 pm. Seriously, writing this tonight is borderline torture. My attention span is dwindling which means yours must be too. The days of leaving the house at 9 pm have quickly been replaced with a 9 pm bedtime. Remember when I said I was teetering uncool territory?

9) I can’t even use the bathroom in peace. Somewhere along the line, “taking a whiz” (as Urban Diction might say), became a chinese fire drill to see just how quickly you can go and get your pants back up before the door swings open with your uninvited party guest. I haven’t felt that kind of panic since the days of my teenage make out sessions.

Come to think of it, I can’t even do anything in peace, really. Those quiet days before all the chaos are long gone.

But it’s ok, really, because I can’t even stand how cute that little girl is and she makes every day one to cherish. Besides, who doesn’t love a good potty party?

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#I Can't Even

 

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10 thoughts on “I Just Can’t Even…

  1. Anonymous says:

    I can’t even – begin to tell you how good you write! We all survive it somehow and your sense of humor will definitely get you through it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good thing I was raised to have a good sense of humor! 😉

      Like

  2. kilikalove says:

    So I’m laughing as unfunny as the situation is because we really do all go through is.
    1. I tried the no cussing thing. They hear it anyway no matter where they go. Teaching them that it’s not ok for them is the trick. They do have to understand that things are not always equal in life as much as we would like them to be. And kids can’t do the same things adults can. Responsibility and holding accountable. I cuss like a sailor now. My kids do not. They are 4, 9, and 13

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So far I’ve heard only one cuss word from her, and it was right after I muttered it out. It was a mild one (thank goodness) but when I told her not to say it she seemed to understand. I haven’t heard it since! (but that’s not to say all the little ears at daycare are not hearing it…hopefully not!!)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kilikalove says:

    I have finished every meal for the past 13 years in less then 10 minutes.
    I have yet to go potty alone…:(
    The only time I spend alone is when everyone is sleeping. My husband hates it but I have to have some “me” time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Same here, most of my blogs are written after 10pm. That’s my me time…It’s impossible when everyone is awake sometimes! 🙂

      Like

  4. kilikalove says:

    Anyhow, you have to make time for you. Somewhere somehow. Have dad watch the kids and go for a walk or a drive. Having date night could help.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t even tell you how much I love this!!! So funny and so well written and all so so true!!! I’ve missed you around blog world… Mostly because I can’t even find time to read and comment in my blog friends posts these days! 😉 I need to catch up!! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG I am right there with you. I’m trying to catch up and get the wheels on the blog rolling again. It takes me like a solid week to get 500 words down sometimes. I’m still reading other’s posts, just never finding time to comment intelligently lol 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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