If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

When shit gets real you need to talk about it!

Shop-Til-You-Drop

Grocery shopping day.

A day better known in our home as the day we finally cave in to the fact that the only food left in the house is the stuff most likely to survive a nuclear holocaust. Pickles, canned tomatoes and taco seasoning packets. You might think twice about your shopping habits after you scan your cabinets and realize what useless, non-nutritious garbage you’d be left to eat should the zombie apocalypse really happen tomorrow.

If there is one thing I could possibly hate more than sitting in the worst cluster of traffic, it would be shopping for groceries. I’d seriously consider hurling myself into traffic, if it meant getting me out of the entire food shopping experience.

Only a bachelor is capable of thriving on hot dogs alone, so we know what must be done. One of us will go to the grocery store on the way home from work.

My husband always swoops in for the rescue.

“Just send me your list” he says, (and he will stop on the way home).

A list? Well aren’t you the comedian. How about I just give you a list of all the reasons why I can’t go to the grocery store.

I don’t have a list. When you head into a grocery store with no game plan or structure, it becomes a shopping moronathon. This is precisely how one ends up eating taco flavored pickles for their last supper during Armageddon. Grocery lists are just not number one on my priority list, and you guessed it, that priority list is yet one more list I do not have sorted out yet.

I will shop for our family of 3 as though we are feeding a family of 12. Family size really has a way of luring you in. Well-played marketing geniuses, well-played. After all, more is more right? The more I buy now, the less likely I will need to return to this hell any time soon. Sounds logical to me, but there is absolutely nothing logical about those obnoxiously oversized boxes of Cheerios that don’t fit inside any of the cabinets.

There will be no budget, and no standards. Our daughter is likely to be with me, therefore my goal is to get in and get the hell out. I will not have time to review price tags, do any comparative analysis on nutritional values, avoid nitrates, sugar, or buy humanely raised chicken breast. I will simply come home with whatever looks edible, at premium dollar, no less.

I will over analyze the food choices necessary to get us through the week. Is this enough milk? Do I have enough chips? Is there a good balance of salty and sweet snacks? There is nothing worse than getting home only to realize you bought zero chocolate. What if a gummy bear craving strikes? Better get some just in case. I had better put something healthy in this cart to balance out the junk to shit ratio so the cashier doesn’t judge me. This cart is one jelly bean away from developing an insulin resistance.

I think I am Giada De Laurentiis. Cooking is fun, but in my irrational state of grocery shopping madness, I will buy absurd amounts of fresh produce to prepare a five course meal each day of the week. Sadly, it will all go to waste. I am overambitious, and fresh produce just doesn’t have the shelf life of a humungous box of Cheerios. Produce doesn’t fit into my “shop once per month” cycle the way I’d envisioned it, but I never learn my lesson.

I’ll never make it to the grocery store. I’ll get so sucked into the Pinterest vortex that my innocent search for dinner recipes has turned into a full-fledged kitchen remodel.

It will take me five hours to shop. My thoughts are too disorganized. Instead of sending my husband the organized list he requested, I text him specific requests at random. Like the outbursts of a person with Tourette’s Syndrome…

“Yogurt please”

“Shit! We need cheese!”

“Wine…the kind with no arsenic!”

My husband does a pretty good job deciphering my A.D.D. list. If it were me in the store, every time I turn a corner I’d see something that triggers a memory of a meal I want to make. Thus, I’d be retracing my steps again and again. It’s really exhausting.

People don’t obey the natural flow of shopping cart traffic in the isles. This makes me want to punch them in the face. If your cart is too full of crunchy granola and rice cakes to see that it is blocking my view of the cocoa puffs I might punch you. If your cart is left blocking the middle of an isle and I can’t reach the applesauce, I am going to teach my daughter how to karate chop your salad.

I’d prefer to not end up on the evening news for all the wrong reasons, especially with my daughter present. So please, for the sake of my anger management (and the safety of everyone around me), let’s just agree not to send me to the grocery store tonight…or ever.

My husband gets the food, and no one gets hurt, unless he forgets the wine…

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16 thoughts on “Shop ‘Til You Drop Kick Someone in the Face…

  1. momof1and10 says:

    I’ve been working on a post also about the first of the month shopping. Glad to see I am not alone in the craziness!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. shopping is clearly an anxiety trigger for us parents! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. erkenly says:

    The only thing worse than grocery shopping in general, is grocery shopping at Super Walmart on the weekend. I’d rather have a rectal exam! Funny post…makes me need a glass of wine, however.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. UGH you are right, super Walmart IS the worst! A tough crowd too. . . and way more things to distract me other than the food. I’m stressed just thinking about it!

      Like

  3. Alison says:

    Two words: online shopping! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. PeaPod and I are best friends! 🙂

      Like

  4. Um, yeah. This is totally me. Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, and thanks for taking the time to read it! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is eerily relatable. If I don’t have a strict budget I go at it like some kind of episode of Iron Chef though. I sorta love it but hate the “bring in fr the car” part.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg the whole “Bringing it in from the car” part deserves a blog of it’s own! 🙂

      Like

  6. impnotastepford says:

    Yes. Except we have 7 ppl in the house. Shopping together is self defence. With the kids at home.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How many carriages do you fill shopping for 7 people? I hope you have help lugging them in at least!? I’m exhausted thinking about it. Bless your soul!! 🙂

      Like

  7. erkenly says:

    Such a sweet look into your “past” life. Love it. Especially fond of this verbiage: “it shat from my mouth like a bitter explosion of verbal diarrhea.” Wonderfully descriptive, as usual. Unfortunately, in the latest studies, gum is out and the iWatch is now the sibling reveal gift of choice among American youngsters between the ages of three and twelve…Inflation. Haha. Loved this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. thefolia says:

    I despise grocery stores the bigger they are the more I loath them…I have to mentally prepare myself to go into a Costco and my boys refuse to go in they would rather stay in the hot parking lof if they had the choice. Thank goodness there is a small local grocer near us since I am not that crazy about our the farmer’s market around here either. The photo of the kid’s shopping cart…I need one and I can’t find them anymore. We had a hand-me-down from a friend and after two boys well let’s just say they transformed it and it went into the trash just another useless piece. But man they loved it as toddlers, the walks we would go on, the things we would find and bring home–it’s the best toy ever…every child should have one.

    Like

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