Consider yourself warned.
There is a wee bit of crazy lurking in every woman’s mind. It’s usually only dished out in moderate doses over the course of a monthly cycle, allowing it to remain somewhat undetectable by most people. I say most because you can’t hide crazy from your spouse or significant other for very long. Luckily, they love you enough to understand it, so every 28 days or so you have a hall pass for mental instability.
Upon birthing your first child there is a paradigm shift in the threshold of what is considered normal insanity, and a woman’s biological crazy ratio is no longer at a containable level.
Unbeknownst to me, the aftermath of hormones was here to stay accompanying the under eye circles, saddle bags and belly jiggle. I suppose if forced to choose, the hormones are generally a much more welcomed long-term tenant than their birthing BFF, the hemorrhoids. I’m still applauding my body for the incredible recovery progress made in that general region. They came and went like the rising of the tide, it was quite astounding. Bravo rectum, bravo!
These hormones did a crazy thing. I present you now with an in-depth look into the mind of an anxious mother in overdrive.
The switch has been flicked. There is no going back. Embrace the simple fact that from this point forward, 90 percent of your thoughts are about protecting your child during every worst case, catastrophic event that your beautiful mind is capable of fabricating.
Here is just a small sample of the types of random scenarios or things that I find have caused more anxiety for me since having a child.
1. People flicking cigarettes out of car windows
Thank you, you inconsiderate prick. What do you get when you mix gasoline and fire? An explosion, duh. I saw you do it, like a villain throwing a bomb during a high-speed pursuit. I watch in slow motion as the cigarette hits the ground just before my car drives over it. I hold my breath and wait for it…wait for it. We manage not to blow up most times. But what if the cigarette is stuck in the grill of the car, slowly making its way under the hood? I’m aware of the amount of dead leaves under there, practically begging to ignite at this point. Shit, I need to pull over and check before we get killed.
2. Feeding a child solid food
The first feeding is the worst. I hated that period of my daughters infancy. Every time one of those stupid cereal puffs would get stuck to the roof of her mouth I subsequently lost a year of my life. My daughter is almost 3 and has a full set of teeth yet I still stalk her like a crazy psychopath when she eats lollipops, grapes, string cheese or hotdogs.
3. Peanut butter
Am I the only person that had 911 on speed dial the first time we fed our daughter peanut butter? Peanut butter might as well have been poison the first time it was fed to our baby. It’s downright terrifying.
4. Letting your child walk in crowded places
I would bet money that the child harness was invented by some parents during an anxiety induced manic episode. Needless to say, I completely understand it.
5. Driving over even the smallest fallen tree branch
Alright, I’m no girl scout, but every genius knows you can rub two sticks together and start a fire with a little friction. Driving over dead tree limbs is basically dragging sticks over flint. Flint makes sparks, sparks make fire (even Bruce Springsteen knows that). So of course fire under your car guarantees an explosion, right? Not on my watch and not with my baby in the car. I’ve seen enough movies to know what I am talking about.
6. The news
For the love of god…don’t read or watch the news unless you have a few extra hours to spend sobbing to your husband about how you need to save all the babies in the world. Your hormones have convinced you to be the martyr, and before you know it, your poor husband is off building the goddamn Neverland Ranch so he doesn’t have to listen to you cry.
7. Driving over bridges and large bodies of water
Winter increases this fear ten thousand percent. Can I reach my daughter to get her buckle undone if the car goes in? Should I leave the window open so we can escape? How long can I hold my breath? I should practice this weekend. I have seriously scoured the internet for the best tools to break car windows open in the event you are submerged in water. The fear of this happening is so intense ever since having my child, I’m 100 percent convinced this is how I must have died in a past life.
Maybe you have a maternal instinct that is capable of predicting the future? Maybe you are just cray cray? Whatever it is, you will no longer be capable of relaxation simply because your mind won’t allow it. It wants to freak you out. It’s natures way of elevating you to that higher level of awareness everyone speaks about.
I simply call it paranoia.