If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

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International Puppy Day

Today is “National Puppy Day”. 

Sadly, I do not have a puppy. That’s ok though because what I do have is a toddler. A toddler is nothing more than a sophisticated house pet that happens to walk on two legs instead of four. Who knew all my previous years of dog ownership were just hard-core training for this parenthood business.

I’ll celebrate national puppy day just the same, because aside from licking their own asshole, puppies share very striking similarities to toddlers. I’m starting to believe the theory of evolution is all out of whack and was probably derived from the wrong animal. Perhaps we humans really evolved from a pack of wild dogs.

1) They beg for your food. If you are eating it, they will want it, because it is on your plate and not theirs. If you put any food you intend for them to eat in front of them they will shun it and possibly flip it over and make a huge mess. When it is in front of you however, for some reason everything looks like it might be cake. Ultimately, you just learn to share.

2) They also beg for treats, and you can use said treats for bribery.  It works on both breeds just the same.

3) Everything goes in their mouth. If it’s out or within reach, expect it to get chewed on, drooled on, or licked. This primal instinct is far too dominant and beyond the act of self-control. Must…know…what…everything tastes like!

4) Both need to be potty trained and your days will revolve around their bathroom schedule. You are constantly cleaning up poop from each of them. A puppy has one up on the toddler because at least they are self-sufficient in the ass wiping department.

5) They bite.

6) They are possessive of their toys and don’t like to share (Did I mention they might bite?).

7) They follow you everywhere and are always at your feet. You might trip over them several times before you finally develop the footing skills of an all-star soccer player always on the defense.

8) Both want to sleep in your bed, because it’s not their bed (remember they must follow you everywhere). You allow it once and from that point forward you are sharing your sleeping quarters. The sharing is never equal however, and unfortunately you are left only one quarter of the bed to sleep on.

9) They bring you offerings when you don’t pay attention to them. Ever notice how a pile of toys can just mysteriously appear in your lap after you hang up from a phone call?

10) Both climb on and ruin your furniture (This is why we can’t have nice things).

11) Both are kept locked behind gates. Just because you buy a gate at a baby store doesn’t make it any different from the gate they sell you at the pet store. A gate serves one purpose, and that is to corral wild animals from having free range of the home (We all know the consequences of no gate).

12) With both, you look for any excuse to get them outdoors so they can run around and release as much energy as possible. Your neighbors might not appreciate how loud they can be, but that’s not your problem because you will appreciate the silence when they are in bed early.

13) Both are cute as hell. If evolution did one thing right for the survival of a species, it was making the offspring too cute to resist. All that cuteness blinds you so you look past and forget how much work they are. The cuteness makes everything adorable and fun…because it is, isn’t it?

And sure, I suppose maybe we can also thank evolution for the fact that humans know better than to lick their own asshole, after all, evolution is the natural process of weeding out those types of unnecessary things.

 

National Puppy Day

In loving memory of our “puppy” Coal ❤

 

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#I Can't Even

I Just Can’t Even…

If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It


According to the trusted Urban Dictionary (my go to resource for swiftly bringing me up to speed when I’m teetering uncool language territory), the phrase “I can’t even” is socially accepted as a stand alone sentence.
If looking to add a bit of drama to that sentence, one might say they literally can’t even.

I think if we were to do some sort of analysis to figure out what causes this mysterious inability to “even”, we would quickly discover that it is best described as the sort of chemical reaction that occurs in the brain when experiencing an epic emotion. So epic it leaves you stupid. So stupid you literally can’t even finish your sentence.

This sounds very similar to what happens to your brain when you’ve become a mom. Your verbal skills are most certainly the first to go and sentences won’t be the only thing you can’t even finish. Horrible grammar aside, you know you’ve elevated to mom status when you need to consult the Urban Dictionary to understand a conversation with anyone under the age of 20.

In real life there are real things that you really just can’t even, no matter how you dice it.

Let me break it down for you quite simply in a completely disorganized list of real life restrictions brought on by parenthood. You know, things that I literally just can’t even…

1) I can’t even shout profanities and am forced to internalize road rage.
Nothing feels good about calling an asshole a doo doo head. It’s apples and oranges, and it doesn’t quite get the point across as effectively as shouting at the deserving dipshit. I wasn’t raised in a barn but I do enjoy some four letter word therapy every now and again. Little ears keep my vocabulary in check.

2) I can’t even listen to some of my favorite music stations in my own car.
No, Mr. Zach De La Rocha, my daughter just can’t understand how you could just kill a man. She’s not ready for my back in the day buffet and I’m not ready to explain what all my favorite acronyms stand for. Lyrics of some of your favorite songs suddenly horrify you and you have a new understanding of why your own parents listened to stations like the Blend (aka: Boring Lyrics Everyone, No Dancing). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a broad spectrum of music. Although some of it includes calm and comforting tunes, sometimes you’re in the mood to crank up Pitbull’s latest anthem and you just…can’t…even.

3) I can’t even chew my food or sit down to eat a meal for longer than 3 minute intervals.
I’m certain that when I die it will be from choking on the un-chewed food I inhaled and we will all have a laugh at the fact that my obituary says, “she couldn’t swallow”.

4) I can’t even leave the house on time…ever.
It’s Murphy’s law at it’s finest. If something can go wrong, it will, and it usually involves a diaper change just after I’ve walked out the door.

5) I can’t even remember the last time I watched an adult television series start to finish.
This is a luxury of the past. A glorious past loaded with free time that could be wasted in front of a television set, guilt free.

6) I can’t even read the news without having a full-blown anxiety attack about all the horrible things that have a fraction of a percent chance of ever really happening. Did I mention how motherhood automatically opens the floodgates to all sorts of anxiety disorders including hypochondria, excessive worry, insomnia and paranoia? (to name a few).

7) I can’t even remember how bad labor was. This puts me at risk for another one. I think I’m suffering from yet another type of disorder called dementia…send help.

8) I can’t even stay up past 9 pm. Seriously, writing this tonight is borderline torture. My attention span is dwindling which means yours must be too. The days of leaving the house at 9 pm have quickly been replaced with a 9 pm bedtime. Remember when I said I was teetering uncool territory?

9) I can’t even use the bathroom in peace. Somewhere along the line, “taking a whiz” (as Urban Diction might say), became a chinese fire drill to see just how quickly you can go and get your pants back up before the door swings open with your uninvited party guest. I haven’t felt that kind of panic since the days of my teenage make out sessions.

Come to think of it, I can’t even do anything in peace, really. Those quiet days before all the chaos are long gone.

But it’s ok, really, because I can’t even stand how cute that little girl is and she makes every day one to cherish. Besides, who doesn’t love a good potty party?

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#I Can't Even

 

Poltergeist If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

My baby monitor alerts me at the most random times. It gave me the “movement detected” shout out while I was at work the other day. Although I realize it is a quirky technology that is highly sensitive to any movement (even shifts in the lighting), it reminded me how creepy it can be to have one in the house.

Do you often find yourself staring at the screen of your baby monitor? You know, just analyzing the dust particles like a scientist in a ghost lab? The static of the radio engages you in some strange hypnotic trance, making you pay close enough attention so as not to miss any disruptive EMF patterns. You listen intently, watching, waiting. Jesus you’re good at this. You should be a real life ghost hunter. But as you stare at that screen, the sensible voice in your head suddenly snaps you back to reality. Oh dear christ please don’t see anything!

I mean, do you really want validation that there is such a thing as paranormal activity? Or better yet, that Great Gram comes to visit your baby while you sleep?

Oh, hell no.

Since we all know baby monitors provide the ideal spiritual haunting outlet, I decided to stop staring at mine. I sleep better at night when I don’t entertain the idea of a spiritual attachment to my kid.

Monitors aren’t the only thing creeping me out these days thanks to every horror movie ever created involving creepy children, creepy dolls, radio frequency, and/or aliens. Children and their toys have an innate ability to scare the living shit out of you with little to no effort. In fact the less they do, the more creepy they are.

For example, you are rocking your baby to sleep at night. You are exhausted because you’re on night number seventy of sleeplessness. All is quiet when your baby’s attention is suddenly shifted to  a corner of the room. They stare with the type of gaze that can’t be broken. You look over your shoulder and see nothing.  In that moment what you are really thinking is…”now is not the time to materialize grandma”.

Yes, you may be slightly delusional from the lack of sleep, but you’ll be damned if anything (even a ghost) stops that baby from falling asleep.

Moving on to the baby dolls. I reserve the right to label all the baby dolls terrorists in our home. It would be one thing if they remained pristine and cute but let’s face it, we’ve all seen the carnage. Even the prettiest baby doll surrendered to the hands of a child ends up looking more like a naked mad scientist after an exorcism with contorted limbs.

Dolls are in every room of the house, on the floor, on the shelves, on the bed. They may be mute but they somehow still speak to you with those beady little eyes, never taking them off you. What is more disturbing than a mute baby doll? One whose mechanical features are losing battery power. Then, not only will it look like and exorcism was performed, but it will also provide you with the sound track to the exorcism. You can try to hide them in the closet all you want, but those creepy dolls will still giggle at you through the door.

I realize I may sound like a paranoid schizophrenic here, but I dare you…go ahead and have a kid of your own. You’ll see how creepy your world becomes 😉

 

Kewpie

Things That Make Me Angry

There will always be the obvious. Those things that make you angry in parenthood, like lack of sleep and the difficult mood swings that seem to overcome our children on a far more frequent basis than any sane person would ever sign up for. The fact that our happy morning is capable of taking a U-turn to hell at any moment because we picked the rain boots instead of the cowgirl boots is slightly less irritating than the things I am about to explain.

I am going beyond the obvious here. Things you were oblivious to until you had children.

I’ve narrowed it down to two. Out of all the things that could possibly be thrown at me as a parent in my first couple of years so far, there are only two things I can’t handle anymore. Little, stupid, annoying things that exist in life for one reason, and that one reason is to irritate the shit out of already frustrated parents. You think you are at your limit? Well, go ahead and let these things assist you over the edge of your sanity as they’ve done mine.

1) Pulling one baby wipe out of a container, only to receive 50.

There you are in the midst of a diaper change and you realize you have misjudged the amount of wet wipes to free from the container pre-diaper change. Ok, no biggie. You’ve got one hand free because the other is wrangling your toddler’s legs preventing a natural disaster by keeping them still and away from the mess. Using your one and only hand, you swiftly pull a baby wipe to break it free from the package. Instead of a clean break, you end up with every baby wipe from the container in one long inconvenient string of bullshit. A giant…centipede…of baby wipes. What is this sorcery?

Centipede of Baby Wipes If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It

Seriously, Why?

2) Plastic tags used for attaching price tags to clothing.

Do you know what they say to keep away from small children? Small plastic objects. It’s not rocket science. Do you know what they put all over your small children’s clothing? An idiotically excessive amount of small…plastic…objects. Those long capital “I” shaped nuisances from the retail gods of hell are enough to send me into a fit of rage. You don’t know the struggle until you’ve opened a six-pack of baby socks or onesies and curse the asshole who bedazzled them so meticulously in plastic. These things could survive the apocalypse. They stick around after loads of laundry and even the vacuum cleaner is no match. These clear, sharp, tiny suckers will still stay hidden in your carpet for weeks. Just when you think they are gone, one will resurface and jab at not only the sole of your unsuspecting foot, but the soul of your inner strength.

Plastic Clothing Tag Holder

I can’t even look at this

As if every day doesn’t present enough obstacles with children involved, these commercial packaging geniuses are sending this mother to the loony bin on the regular. I’m on the fast track to hypertension thanks to you Pampers, Huggies, and person who decided to make a career out of modern-day plastic torture devices.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need more coffee.

ItsAGoodLife Toddlers

Use Your Words…

If Traffic Had A Face I Would Punch It


On second thought, maybe…don’t?

The Toddler: Tiny Overbearing Diaper Dictator Lacking Emotional Regulation

Here’s where all that unconditional love stuff really proves it’s point.

Yes, it is the dawning of the age of independence. The independent toddler who fills your heart with so much love they feel the need to try to (unsuccessfully) stomp some of it out every now and then. Specifically the second they lose the control of a situation.

Everything is a choice these days and the only right choice is the one made by them.

We’ve put emphasis on using words to communicate and it has now backfired. Your toddler will practice their semi-developed communication skills on you as they start using their brain to think independently. You may soon discover they are a little too good at developing their own opinions. Think… Anthony Fremont in the Twilight Zone episode It’s a Good Life.

Their mouth is now carefully loaded with a vast array of new words, waiting for the right moment to discharge them in the form of verbal aggression. They know no bounds and do not discriminate when or where their inner monster is unleashed. It will really amaze you how much one toddler is capable of throwing at you over your simple desire for them to wear a coat when it’s 20 degrees outside.

“I do NOT love you!” becomes a normal conversation piece.

“Sweetie how was your day?” might seem like a good segue for an unnecessarily angry response like “NO! GIVE ME SPACE!”

“You do NOT love Me” may bounce off your ears from time to time after you’ve done something terrible, like cook a meal they don’t want to eat.

Or you could simply be channeling your inner Frozen princess together and mid performance they demand that you stop “No DON’T sing! I don’t LIKE that!”

My daughter is a two-year old with the brain capacity of an incredibly emotional teenager. It’s psychological warfare from this point forward.

Your only defense in these situations is to simply tell them it makes you sad to hear those kinds of words. They won’t care of course, but rest assured, we all know our kids don’t really mean these things. Just like you still love them when they adamantly insist they don’t love you.

For now, go ahead sweet little toddler. We will take all the hits you wish to dish out. Just know we will still make you wear that coat because despite what you say, we do love you and when it comes to parenting some things are simply not negotiable.

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