Today is “National Puppy Day”.
Sadly, I do not have a puppy. That’s ok though because what I do have is a toddler. A toddler is nothing more than a sophisticated house pet that happens to walk on two legs instead of four. Who knew all my previous years of dog ownership were just hard-core training for this parenthood business.
I’ll celebrate national puppy day just the same, because aside from licking their own asshole, puppies share very striking similarities to toddlers. I’m starting to believe the theory of evolution is all out of whack and was probably derived from the wrong animal. Perhaps we humans really evolved from a pack of wild dogs.
1) They beg for your food. If you are eating it, they will want it, because it is on your plate and not theirs. If you put any food you intend for them to eat in front of them they will shun it and possibly flip it over and make a huge mess. When it is in front of you however, for some reason everything looks like it might be cake. Ultimately, you just learn to share.
2) They also beg for treats, and you can use said treats for bribery. It works on both breeds just the same.
3) Everything goes in their mouth. If it’s out or within reach, expect it to get chewed on, drooled on, or licked. This primal instinct is far too dominant and beyond the act of self-control. Must…know…what…everything tastes like!
4) Both need to be potty trained and your days will revolve around their bathroom schedule. You are constantly cleaning up poop from each of them. A puppy has one up on the toddler because at least they are self-sufficient in the ass wiping department.
5) They bite.
6) They are possessive of their toys and don’t like to share (Did I mention they might bite?).
7) They follow you everywhere and are always at your feet. You might trip over them several times before you finally develop the footing skills of an all-star soccer player always on the defense.
8) Both want to sleep in your bed, because it’s not their bed (remember they must follow you everywhere). You allow it once and from that point forward you are sharing your sleeping quarters. The sharing is never equal however, and unfortunately you are left only one quarter of the bed to sleep on.
9) They bring you offerings when you don’t pay attention to them. Ever notice how a pile of toys can just mysteriously appear in your lap after you hang up from a phone call?
10) Both climb on and ruin your furniture (This is why we can’t have nice things).
11) Both are kept locked behind gates. Just because you buy a gate at a baby store doesn’t make it any different from the gate they sell you at the pet store. A gate serves one purpose, and that is to corral wild animals from having free range of the home (We all know the consequences of no gate).
12) With both, you look for any excuse to get them outdoors so they can run around and release as much energy as possible. Your neighbors might not appreciate how loud they can be, but that’s not your problem because you will appreciate the silence when they are in bed early.
13) Both are cute as hell. If evolution did one thing right for the survival of a species, it was making the offspring too cute to resist. All that cuteness blinds you so you look past and forget how much work they are. The cuteness makes everything adorable and fun…because it is, isn’t it?
And sure, I suppose maybe we can also thank evolution for the fact that humans know better than to lick their own asshole, after all, evolution is the natural process of weeding out those types of unnecessary things.